How am I doing? I’m going to (over)share in the hopes that when someone reads this, something written here can resonate with what is going on in their lives.

I celebrated my 22nd birthday last August. One more lapse around the sun completed, and I was expecting that profound sadness I always get around my birthday to hit. Fully ready. Only, it never did. I never got insanely sad like I used to always feel. So I started tracing my steps, what did I do different this year?

I celebrated. I threw a birthday bash, for the first time since my 12th birthday. I think planning an event definitely distracted me enough to not fixate on being a year older, but I believe that the change really was acceptance. Acceptance that things don’t always go my way. The reason I was always sad was because I felt that with every birthday, each addition to my age meant one addition to the number of years I am behind on my life plan.

But I spent the better part of this year wrestling with God. I have fought and challenged him openly, and wrestled with him day and night, and on my birthday, it was daybreak. The wrestling is over. He came through. He came through, far and wide and beyond everything I asked for. Actually, not exactly what I asked for. I pressed on for clarity, to know exactly what His plan is for me.

I did this because all the times I have challenged God before, He has always done the same and gave me the same outcome. He gave his provision, gently and unconditionally. I pressed Him before about faith, challenged God to prove himself, scientifically, concretely,— so that I may have rock-solid faith. He did.

But this time, I asked for clarity,— and I was given peace.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.

John 14: 27, NIV

In the past year, I have been slowly learning to let go of the “life plan” I built when I was 12. Not all of it, but perhaps parts of it that I am no longer able to keep. Did it break my heart? Absolutely. Even at 12 years old I did not make plans lightly. I built that life plan only after recognising my passion for my field and only after I made sure I have found pursuits worth pursuing. To let go of that would be to let go of all my painful struggles that I endured to construct that so-called life plan.

Or so I thought. On the eve of my birthday, God spoke to me. Most people instantly furrow their eyebrows at this. How does God speak to someone? And He does it in many ways. I have spoken to others who felt God in a myriad of ways. From a gust of wind, the start of rain, a corporeal voice, and many more. To me, this particular conversation was exchanged as clearly as if I were to read this aloud from a book. I cannot explain it as it was not a corporeal voice, but it did not only take place in my mind or my conscience. It truly was a little bit of both.

But I felt Jesus himself lying next to me on my bed, so comforting, radiating so much love that the hairs on my arms stood up on ends, enveloped so tightly in His presence.

I shared this (image below) not long after the conversation on my Instagram story.

And you know what? It is… a relief. A relief to surrender to God. When I say surrender, it is not praying on your knees and miraculously get everything you want. Not at all. It is hustling harder than ever, but surrendering the outcome to His discretion and trust that your God has your best interests in His hands, and that His heart is for you. It takes a lot to surrender. As a control freak, trust me when I say I know how hard it is.

And yet, today my future is more uncertain than it has ever been, and I am more at peace than I have ever been. It’s a funny thing. The years I spent chasing and rushing and running and falling and tumbling to complete a life plan that was never going to come to fruition.

My goals stay the same. My vision stays the same. My love for Linguistics and the humanitarian and refugee crisis stay the same. But my path has changed. I don’t exactly know what it is. But I am content, walking where God leads me, and making sure every step I take is a step towards building a future I want to live in.

Now. Onwards we forge, to talking about mental health.

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